It takes time for an older child to adjust to a new family, particularly when he or she was abused or neglected in the past. Said Andrew Adesman, M.D., in his book, Parenting the Adopted Child, "If your child has been abused or neglected in the past, it can take time before he can learn to trust you as someone who doesn't hit or hurt, as well as someone who pays attention and provides food and clothes." Adesman advises that parents should work on projects together, such as creating a garden, and going places as a family, such as to picnics, movies and other events.

Some researchers have studied children to determine which children have the most difficulty adapting to their new families. In one study of 1,343 foster children who were adopted, described in After Adoption: The Needs of Adopted Youth, the researchers found the major risk factor for predicting a behavioral problem with children was the prenatal substance abuse of the birth mother. Prenatal substance abuse is a problem among children in the United States and other countries.

They also discovered that many of the children adopted from foster care had trouble in school, and 40% of the children had been placed in special classes in school. Many of the children had problems with paying attention. The overwhelming majority of the parents were glad that they had adopted their children, and 93% said that, knowing what they now knew about the child, they would definitely or probably adopt again.

It should be noted, however, that some children have been so severely damaged by past abuse and neglect that it is difficult or even impossible for them to develop normal relationships with their adoptive parents and others. At the same time, some children who were severely abused or neglected are more resilient and do respond well to the love and care of their adoptive parents.

Researchers continue to seek to determine predictive patterns for which children are more likely to recover from past abuse than others. One common thread appears to be whether the child developed a past strong bond with a caring person; however, it may be difficult or impossible to determine whether such a bond had occurred prior to the adoption.

Children who have experienced past sexual abuse often have the most difficulty with adjusting to their new families, and many adoptive parents find it difficult to cope with children who were sexually abused. These children are the most at risk for suffering from an adoption disruption or the failure of the adoption. If an adoption fails, the child is either returned to foster care or he or she may be placed with another family by an adoption agency. In some cases, children must be placed in institutional care, such as a residential treatment center.

Children who were sexually abused may behave in a provocative and even overtly sexual manner with their new parents, because this behavior was learned and was acceptable in their past families. Such behavior can be managed by the new parents, but it is especially difficult for those adoptive parents who did not realize that the child was sexually abused in the past. In most cases in the study, social workers did not withhold this information from the parents, but it was not documented in the records.

A foster child may have been removed from parents or other caretakers because of physical abuse and the sexual abuse was unknown. In some cases, foster children are sexually abused after they were placed into foster care.

Often after an older child is adopted, after weeks or even months, the child will purposely misbehave to see if they will be rejected by their new parents. Adoptive parents should be prepared for this common behavior, having a plan ready to react to misbehavior with appropriate discipline.

At the same time, however, it is important to keep in mind that the discipline should be tailored to the needs of the individual child; for example, children who have suffered hunger in the past should not be sent to bed without their supper, because such a punishment is far more frightening and distressing to a child with past experiences of starvation than to a child who has never known hunger. If the parents do not know about such past experiences, but the child seems to over react, this may be because of such deprivation in the past.

Some parents may react to misbehavior exhibited by their newly adopted child by ignoring the behavior and/or failing to use any discipline, such as mild admonishments or other forms of effective discipline. They may believe that the child has "suffered enough" in the past and should not be punished in the present for minor infractions. However, all children need some form of discipline to help them shape their behavior, so that they can learn to differentiate appropriate behaviors from those that are less appropriate in society.

Study after study has revealed that adoptive parents who were told ahead of time and before the adoption about the problems of abuse that the children experienced in the past are also the most successful at establishing successful parent-child relationships. This is true no matter what type of problem the child experienced or what type of abuse he or she encountered in the past.

If there is little or no information available on an older child who is to be adopted, parents should not assume that there is no important information to be discovered about the child. Prospective adoptive parents should request that the agency provide medical records and social information on each child. If there is little or no written information, parents should ask the agency to contact the most recent caregivers (whether they were foster parents or orphanage supervisors) to obtain information on the past experiences of the child.

Despite the best efforts of the agency, however, parents may learn about past physical or sexual abuse of a child months or even years later. For example, in one case, a new adoptive father was distressed because he was shunned by the little girl he and his wife had adopted. He later discovered that the girl had been physically and sexually abused by her father and that she associated all men as victimizers. Patience, gentle kindness and paying attention to the cues sent by the child eventually enabled the father to attain a successful and happy relationship with his daughter.

References:

1)         Adamec, Christine, and Laurie C. Miller, M.D. The Encyclopedia of Adoption. 3rd ed. New York: Facts On File, 2007.

2)         Adesman, Andrew, M.D. Parenting Your Adopted Child: A Positive Approach to Building a Strong Family. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2004.

3)         Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System (AFCARS). "The AFCARS Report: Preliminary FY 2003 Estimates as of April 2005." U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Children's Bureau.

4)         Howard, Jeanne A., and Susan Livingston Smith. After Adoption: The Needs of Adopted Youth. Washington, D.C.: CWLA Press, 2003.

5)         Livingston Smith, Susan and Jeanne A. Howard. "The Impact of Previous Sexual Abuse on Children's Adjustment in Adoptive Placement." Social Work 39, no. 5 (1994): 491-501.

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