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Codependency is an unhealthy relationship in which a person closely related to and/or involved with a person who abuses or is addicted to drugs or alcohol, such as a parent, spouse, lover, or friend, behaves in a way that makes it much easier for the addict to continue the abusive or addictive behavior.
Rather than the addict's suffering for his or her own actions, the codependent person assumes responsibility for many of the acts of the addicted person. For example, an addicted person may be sick or unconscious from the effects of drugs or alcohol and the codependent person may attempt to hide the behavior from others. The codependent person may call in sick to work for the addicted individual or may invent illnesses to account for withdrawal or hangover symptoms, such as saying that the person has the flu or a cold. It is said that the codependent person "enables" the addiction to continue by his or her actions and may be described as an "enabler."
People who are codependent usually are convinced that their behavior is good and helpful, and they do not realize how harmful it is to them, the addict, or others, such as other family members. They may feel that they are proving their love by giving up their time, money, and even personal integrity for the addicted person. They may find it difficult or impossible to believe that their behavior is not helpful to them or the addict. They may fear a loss of the relationship if they change their behavior. They may also reasonably fear that the substance users will lose a job, or even that the substance user will become ill or die if the codependent partner stops caretaking.
Often, there are boundary issues, and the codependent person struggles to differentiate what is best for her or him from what is best for the addicted individual. If there is a conflict, the codependent person usually defaults to what he or she believes is best for the addict, subordinating personal needs.
Codependent individuals may have several primary conscious or unconscious fears; for example, they may fear that if the addict recovered, the codependent person would then have to deal with new demands with which he or she may be uncomfortable, such as demands for sex, companionship, or greater control of the children or of the household. In some situations, the codependent partner also has an addictive problem, such as to food or gambling; there may be an unspoken contract between the partners to enable each other's addiction.
Organizations like Al-Anon and related organizations teach people who are codependent to give up their codependency and to let the addicted person face the responsibility for his or her actions. Such organizations can offer ongoing support and advice to help codependent people to avoid assuming that role in the future.
References:
Gwinnell, Esther, M.D., and Christine Adamec. The Encyclopedia of Addictions and Addictive Behaviors. New York: Facts On File, 2006.
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